Julie and Lesley both left great encouraging comments on my last post which helped get me in a good place today. I decided to go for a run and time myself in a 5K using my garmin. I have been working on running and really wanted to see the progress :-)
I am out on the trail, the sun is shining, I am running the whole time and as I hoped my pace is better than ever, I am nodding and smiling to other runners. I was really starting to think 'wow' maybe I do belong out here with them, finally kind of feeling a part of the club I guess. I run to 1.6 m and turn around still really happy with my pace and then it happens...
An older guy runs past me, turns around and says "well at least you are out here, gotta give you credit for that"...huh? He said it nicely as if it were meant to encourage me...are you kidding? I get that during races, people trying to be supportive and saying things "great to see you out here" and I never let it get to me. Today it got to me big time. Maybe it was the 'at least' or the 'gotta give you credit part'...not sure but I really felt socked in the gut.
I literally went from thinking I belonged out there to thinking everyone I passed was snickering a little or at least...wondering what the fat girl was doing out here. It was bad...very bad...my head just started spinning wondering what it was that made him think I was some new girl trying to get my fat butt moving. BTW I was wearing a garmin and my marathon jacket.
My whole view of myself changed in that moment - it was kind of scary how fast I went from feeling very self confident to very self conscious. All because of one old guy and his very backward compliment.
Now that a few hours have passed and I can think about it without wanting to cry it did make me think about judgements we all make everyday. He didn't know I have lost over 45Lbs and had spent the last four years trying to make up for my first 40 years of lousy choices and bad genes. He didn't know I had completed a full marathon, several half marathons, a bunch of triathlons, and tons of 5K's. He didn't know that I was feeling better today then I have in a long time. He didn't know that he completely burst my bubble with a few thoughtless words.
I guess if I have to find something positive it would be a reminder to myself not to pass judgements on people I see out in the world...I don't know their story - and we all have one.
This picture is me on the trail...trying to figure out what just happened!