My Progress

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

My Pearl Harbor ... and the subsequent war ...


I have been reading a lot of posts lately about staying focused and motivated…

I by no means have it figured out! It still takes me by surprise when after several good days of eating and not thinking about food too much, I suddenly will feel overwhelmed by a strong desire to pick up a box of donuts or cookies and simply inhale them. It finally dawned on me just last year that this feeling wasn’t a simple craving, I know the difference now because I distinctly feel like inhaling not eating. It is this feeling of wanting to fill myself up with food as fast as possible, I know it when it hits now but it does not make it easier to deal with; it is very much one day at a time, no it is more like one minute at a time! The good news is that these moments of weakness do seem to be getting shorter and the time in between these tsunami’s of compulsive eating is getting longer – so I know I am on the right track. In fact as of this morning I am one pound away from another milestone of 60 pounds gone! The really weird thing is that you would think when I hit a new low it would boost me and ensure that I am strong (at least for today); but it seems to be the opposite, I have to be very wary today because it is usually when these cravings are the strongest. Fat me trying to sabotage healthy me? Who knows. I just know to be CAREFUL today!!!

I was also thinking recently of my ‘aha moment’ or my personal Pearl Harbor … that moment when something hits you out of nowhere, suddenly waking you out of a nice morning sleep and slams you face first into the reality of what is really going on in your life.

My Pearl Harbor was over a year and a half ago when my Mom called to tell me that my Aunt Diane had died in her sleep of a heart attack that night. Now you need to know that my Mom is the oldest of 8 kids and Diane is the second youngest making her…FIVE years older than me. Gone at 48 with no notice, warning, or chance to say goodbye. I was already on my journey to get healthy by then, I had been competing in Triathlon for two years and had lost about 30 pounds at this time but this shook me to my core. Heart disease runs in our family and I was so worried this would happen to her – she was very overweight and still smoking! Even though I worried I never really believed it would happen so soon. It scared me, for weeks I feared tonight would be the night I would never wake up. I realized the impact of these daily ‘little choices’ I was making, that every sugary, fatty, processed piece of food I put into my mouth had an effect on my life span! Not even just how long I am here but the quality of that life was at stake. Did I want to be a type II diabetic like my mom who is on the maximum dose allowed for blood pressure and about 10 other drugs she must take daily to simply stay alive?

My answer was “no frickin thank you”; I want to be active, healthy, and enjoying life right to the end.

I would love to say that at that moment it totally clicked and as I realized the impact of these bad foods, I never put another piece of garbage into my body again…but that would be a lie. I still fall, but I get up every single time and keep moving forward! I know how to do it, it is simple easy math…you have to know how much is going in and how much is going out. I used to think “I deserve a day of not thinking and just eating what I want” so I would and then honestly not understand why I gained weight that week. I would think it isn’t fair I was perfect for 6 days and only ‘bad’ for 1! Guess what folks…it isn’t fair…it just is. I can eat a whole box of Crunch & Munch in my car on the way to lunch…that is 1050 calories. It adds up, at an alarming rate!

The good news is that you can win! I believe that with every fiber of my being, it is why I keep going, falling, getting up, and going again. If I stop I fail – if I keep getting up I win!

So that is my rambling for the day…I am hoping if I write this down it will help stave off the bad thoughts in my own head that will inevitably try to derail me, whispering how great something sugary and full of fat would feel right now. I wrote feel instead of taste on purpose because I know it has nothing to do with taste or hunger.

One last thing – my reminder that this is about HEALTH and not looks. I have been going to a Women’s health fair for the last 4 years and above are my results! It was slow, it didn’t happen overnight – it took years – but look it works! That is what keeps me going!

I was pre-diabetic and very close to needing blood pressure and cholesterol medications – now everything is the healthy ranges!

8 comments:

Jess @ THIR said...

You know you've spent too much time on facebook when you want to press the "like" button....

:) Good post. Very good post.

Teresa Mof said...

LOL...Me too Jess...I amm always looking for a "like" button when reading posts :-)

Patrick said...

Cool being one pound away from 60 pounds gone! Almost as cool as being at 60 pounds gone; soon!

Polar's Mom said...

I think your Aunt Diane would be proud of your progress-good for you, great on your 60.

Polar's Mom
www.polarspage.blogspot.com

Julie said...

I'm so with you on almost everything you wrote. I think I'm a little behind you though. I'm not controlling it quite so well yet. I was 2/10 of a pound away from being at 30 pounds down on Sunday at my weight in. Then in part because of that and in part because of some emotional stuff going on I proceeded to eat, crazily the last two nights. I think I got it under control today but it may keep me from hitting the 30lbs this week. Thanks for sharing the insight.

~ Darla ~ said...

A very powerful post, Teresa. I really enjoyed it. Yeah, life isn't fair...deal with it, right? It's tough, but well worth the effort.

Maude said...

I could really relate to this post. You described my binge urges perfectly. It'd be really nice to wake up one day and have this whole weight loss thing be easy. But I guess then we wouldn't learn so much from it. Great post!

Life as a Caterpillar said...

Teresa, this is a wonderful post. I love to read your blog. I definately need a like button for this.

So sorry about your Aunt Diane, but i am pretty certain she would be proud of you for the way you have turned things around. I can't believe you used to be pre-diabetic and have cholestreral issues, i know you as an IronWoman!!

x
lesley